Feeling Powerless

It had been dark when I woke, and I sat up in bed for a long time just thinking about everything; I couldn’t keep the dark thoughts at bay. My wife was sound asleep the entire time. She didn’t know that I was awake or how I felt just then, and she wouldn't know until she’d read the section below. I envied the peace she felt, and I dreaded having to soon tell her just how dour our situation was.  I think it took me a couple of hours before I could sleep again and by that time it was already starting to get light outside.

Over the five years of our fight for our dad, this was the lowest point for me. I would start to come out of it this very day as I spent the holiday with my wife and kids and realized that family was all I needed to be happy in this life.

Excerpt from A Life Well Stolen

Preface Continued

I looked over at my wife.  She was sleeping peacefully, unaware of the inner turmoil I was experiencing at that moment. I had asked so much of her and she had agreed without hesitation.  He’s your dad, she had said.  You have to do what is right.  I’ll support you no matter what. And she had, without ever complaining. Not even once. But I realized then that it had been too much to ask of her, and too much to ask her to risk. There was so much she had wanted for us, for our children.  All those hopes and dreams for our future were uncertain now, I thought to myself, and probably would have to be forgotten. It wasn’t fair to them, I knew then, and that realization gave me such an overwhelming sense of guilt I wanted to run away and hide from it all.

What had I done?

What had we all done?

I wondered if my sisters felt the same.  Their spouses had agreed to fight this as well and in turn jeopardized the welfare of their families. Did my sisters ever feel any remorse for the risks they placed their own families in? Did they ever regret starting this losing battle we were in, having spent so much money only to have failed?

I lay back down, tried to sleep but couldn’t. I tossed and turned, trying unsuccessfully to dispel my feelings of remorse for what I had caused my family to go through and trying to control my anger at what had been done to my dad.

After a long while, I’m not sure how long, I somehow eventually fell back asleep, saddened by the loss of my dad and completely resigned to an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness to do anything about what had happened to him. If I had been in the courtroom, I would have told our attorneys to pack it up.  I would have given up the fight. I would have been done with it all.

            But I wasn’t in the courtroom.

            Instead, I was at home and in bed where I slept for another couple of hours.  When I awoke, I put my worries away and helped my wife prepare our Thanksgiving dinner. At the table, we each said what we were thankful for and everyone mentioned the family among other things. I carved the turkey as memories of watching my dad carving turkeys with an old 1970’s electric knife wandered through my mind. Then we ate and the food was delicious, all of it. Afterwards, as I played with my kids and enjoyed my time with my family, I realized that having my loved ones with me was all that really mattered in life and was everything I would ever need.